One Egg

At the doctor's appointment today, we found that we only have one mature egg. I was a little frustrated, but the doctor said that to have just one is very common unless I had taken 3 shots a day, and not to worry. The egg we had last time only measured 18 mm, and this one was 22 mm, so that's a big plus. Also, for the first time ever, my lining is right where it should be. I will still take the progesterone suppositories (ugh), but it is more as as insurance policy than because my body isn't doing what it needs to do.

Jeff is going to give me the Ovidrel shot tonight at 9:00 to induce my ovulation, and then we go in on Monday at 12:30 to do the insemination. After that, it is the dreaded 2ww . . . again.

Sonogram: $100

New Look and Side Effects

I was a little tired of the same old look for this blog, so here is the new template. I have also changed the title to "Hoping for a Miracle", as that seemed more appropriate. I hope you like it!

I've been having some weird side effects lately, which I'm sure are from the new round of shots. Even though they are the same thing as the ones I has before, they are from Europe, so maybe they're mixed a little differently. In any case, I feel weird! I am tired all the time but I find it nearly impossible to sleep, and I keep getting little aches and pains around the injection site and in my stomach. None of these things are too awful, but the exhaustion is making it hard to get any school work done when all I want to do is curl up with the dog and take a nap!

Doctor's Visit

In regard to today's sonogram, I have good news, bad news, and great news. The good news is that I have THREE eggs this time, which is two more than I had last time, so that is terrific. The bad news is that they are still too small and that I need 3 more of those shots which are, as I've said before, freakishly expensive. Just before I could really freak out though, I got the really great news: One of the doctor's patients who got pregnant donated their shots to the clinic, and the doctor gave them to me for free. Not only that, as if that wasn't wonderful enough, I got 5 shots instead of 3, so my three eggs are almost guaranteed to be big enough by this weekend. Talk about the hand of God, huh? I just couldn't believe it, but thank you, Jesus! To paraphrase Blanche Dubois, I am very grateful for the kindness of strangers. I have the next sonogram on Saturday, and I will have one shot each day until then.

Sonogram: $100

Weekend Romance

Jeff and I had a fabulous weekend. Not only did we get to lay around by the pool and have dinner with our friend, Theresa (who is a wonderful cook, by the way), but Jeff decided to give me a romantic evening at home. Since the treatments are costing us quite a bit of money, our budget has been pretty tight lately. So, when Jeff told me he had a surprise evening for me, complete with dinner and dancing, I was a little aprehensive. Jeff is a wonderful dancer, but I was stuck on the cost of this evening. We got all dressed up and ready to go out, and just as we were about to walk out the door, Jeff closed the door and said, "May I have this dance?" He had cleaned the living room earlier in the day, which was sweet enough in itself, and then, when I wasn't paying attention, he downloaded several love songs including "Lady in Red" and "Can You Feel the Love Tonight". We danced all around our living room, and then I discovered that my darling husband had snuck in steak and corn on the cob, which he grilled for me. This is my absolute favorite meal. After that, we watched a movie and had some ice cream, and it was just a perfect day. This is the man who I used to say didn't have a romantic bone in his body. He doesn't generally do romance, but when he does, it means so much to me. Even if we never have a baby, I am just thankful that God brought us together.

On the fertility front, I am not feeling negative anymore. I wouldn't say that I'm brimming with positive thoughts, but I no longer am so bleak about the whole thing. I still can't get myself to believe that it will work, but I am no longer certain that it won't work. I guess I'm just neutral, which is a definite step up.

Waiting

I finished all of the Clomid and the shots, and my next sonogram is on Tuesday, June 24th. If that goes well, we will induce ovulation. So far, except for the hot flashes, I am not having any other side effects. I did have some bad leg cramps on the days that I got the shots, but that went away by the next day. So, we're now just waiting for Tuesday.

Day Three

I've had three days of Clomid so far, and two of the shots. Except for the hot flashes I don't feel any differently. I hate to be a downer, but I really don't think this is going to happen for us. I'm trying to focus on the fact that I will be able to finish my degree earlier and then get a good job, but that is small consolation right now.

Here We Go!

I started the clomid today - 150 mg. Jeff gets home in about an hour, and when he does he will give me the shot, called Repronex. I have to have one shot for three days, and hopefully that will be what we need to grow some good, healthy, baby-making eggs.

*Later*

Jeff got home safely, thank God. It is so wonderful to have him back! He also gave me my shot, and because he is so fabulous (and because I have an inordinate amount of belly fat, thank you PCOS), I didn't feel a thing.

Rough Start

Today was my first sonogram of the second cycle, which they do to ensure that there are no large cysts on my ovaries. There weren't, thank God, and I didn't have to do blood work this time. I asked Dr. Haas if we could have 200 mg of clomid instead of 150 since this would be our last try for awhile, and he said that it would be more effective to have the 150 mg along with some shots to get the eggs to grow. The shots, along with the insemination, will really increase our chances of getting pregnant. The downside, as my sister Debby can tell you, is that I have to give myself the shots at home. I am not the least bit afraid of needles, but I have never given myself injections, and I'm a little freaked out by that. However, I guess if I ever want to be a mom, I have to not be a weenie now. The doc said that the shots were about $60 each, and I need 3. That's a little spendy, but since this is our last try and we really want to give it every chance to work, Jeff said to go ahead and get the shots.

Fast forward to an hour later at Wal-Mart (where I went because they are supposed to be CHEAPER) and the lady telling me that 3 shots would cost $1000. Fast forward another hour when I am at my usual pharmacy where I am hearing the same thing. I sat in the pharmacy chair and called both Jeff and my mother, sobbing incoherently. Without the shots, my chances of getting more than one egg are incredibly small. We did this before in IL, so last month was actually the second time we had an egg that failed to either fertilize or implant, and it is clear to me that I need more eggs if we are ever going to succeed at this. So, all I can think of is all the money we have spent and are going to spend this month, and how our chances of conceiving are infinitesimal. That's when the pharmacist demands $70 for the clomid.

After a great many tears later, a call to the doctor and another round of calls to Jeff and my mother, the nurse called me back and told me that she had located a pharmacy that had the shots for $77 each. That is so, so, so much better than $300! Praise Jesus! I'm off to the pharmacy, again . . .

Sonogram: $100

Clomid: $70

Shots: $234

Change of Events

To all of you who have assured me that God would provide a way, you were entirely right. Jeff just called to let me know that we should go ahead and do the treatments this month. Almost immediately after that my period started, and my next appointment is tomorrow morning at 9:15. Not only that, but they won't have to do any blood work tomorrow, so that saves us $90. Thank you, Jesus, for answering so many prayers!

This is, however, the last time we can afford to try the treatments, at least for now. I'm nearly finished with my teaching degree, and so either in January 2009 or September 2009, depending on whether I get pregnant, I will start student teaching. That will cost us quite a bit of money, as we have to pay for the program and I will also have to be off of work for three months. After that, when I have a job teaching, we will be able to try fertility again, but it could be an entire year before we will have the time and the resources to try again. So, please pray for us that we will be able to conceive this month. As much as both Jeff and I want me to be a teacher, we want to be a mommy and a daddy even more.

Aftermath, Part Two

It looks like we have to take this month off, so I won't be starting again in a few days after all. This is so hard for me, so please pray that I can get through this time. I feel so silly, complaining about this when I have so many wonderful things and people in my life, but I have wanted a baby for so long. It feels like I will never, ever have one, and each roadblock just takes me further away.

Aftermath

The last couple of days have been really, really hard on me, and I want to thank, once again, all of you for your support, caring, and kindness. I don't know why this wasn't our month, but it does help that I have so many people on my side. As soon as I get my period, we'll try it again, and hopefully it will work out better. I know I'll be getting a higher dose of Clomid, so maybe that will do the trick.

BFN

Today was the day we'd been waiting for, but unfortunately we got what the message boards call a "bfn" - a big, fat, negative on the pregnancy test. So, there will be no baby for Jeff and myself this month. Thank you, though, to all of you who prayed and hoped with us.

Worry

I don't want to alarm myself needlessly, but tonight I've been having some cramps that are suspiciously like those I get with my period. I hope this is not the case, but I figured I'd better make a note of it.

Jeff left for Chicago this afternoon, and in happier news, Joe Crede just hit his second three-run homer against the Twins tonight. Go Joe Crede!

Father's Day

I know it's a little early, but in the spirit of believing that our prayers for a baby will be answered this month, I bought Jeff a Father's Day gift. Unfortunately, he saw it before I got to hide it, but here it is. For those of you who do not already know, Jeff is a HUGE Cleveland Browns fan, so this is the official Browns onesie with little warm up pants. It says "Browns" across the back. Unfortunately again, I ordered the 24-month size (one click ordering, indeed!), but I guess Elizabeth or John is just going to have to sag a little!

Thank You!!

I'd like to thank everyone who has been sending prayers, good luck, baby dust, and in one case, sticky baby fingers. :-) It means a lot to us!!

6 DPO

Well, I'm 6 dpo (days past ovulation), and if it hasn't already, the egg should be implanting in my uterus today or tomorrow. For the record, we don't have any problems fertilizing the eggs, it is just that they haven't been able to implant properly and have died. So, I'm pretty sure we are pregnant now, it's just a matter of whether or not we will STAY pregnant.

I'm having all kinds of symptoms, but because I'm taking progesterone, that could explain them away. I've learned the pregnancy symptoms start when the body starts producing progesterone, and since I'm forcing my body to create it, I get the symptoms. I do have one or two that I have never had before, though, so cross your fingers!

My period is due June 9, so that is the day I'll do the pregnancy test. Only 6 more days, wow! Jeff had wanted me to wait til he got home from Chicago on the 15th, but because of my progesterone issues, the doctor said that we have to test ASAP so that we can keep track of what is going on. I hate that Jeff will miss the testing, but on the bright side, if I'm not pregnant, he won't have to be here for the depression.

Mark 11:24

I have received many comments on how positive I am with this whole fertility thing, and to be honest, I'm not all that positive. I have lots of doubts and fears and worries, and when I'm not being vigilant, a nasty little voice whispers in my ear that I will never, ever have children. Jeff's grandparents, who are wonderful people, sent me a Bible verse that I hang on to. It is Mark 11:24:

"That is why I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours."

I choose to hang on to that one, and I choose to stay positive and believe that I am pregnant right this second, even though I won't know for two weeks. Now, realistically, I know that I may not be pregnant, that we may have to try several times, and that we may never have a biological child, but I firmly believe that God has a plan for us. Whatever he chooses for us will be even better than anything I could choose for us, and that is a comfort to me. So, until I know that I am not pregnant, I choose to believe that I am!