Not Keeping Up

I've not been doing well in keeping up with this blog!  In my defense, it has been a crazy few months, especially the last one.  Long story short, I have been sick and/or injured for the last several weeks and it has really gotten me to start taking stock of things.

We ended up hiring a girl to come in and help for the last two weeks so that I could recover.  She helped me cook and clean, and she played with Bethie so I could just rest.  It was a Godsend, but it also forced me to be honest about everything.  As hard as it is, I have to accept the fact that I am never going to have the mobility I had before I had Bethie.  I will not be able to work outside the home anymore, and injuries and illnesses are going to hit me hard, every time.  

First of all, this makes me really question whether homeschooling is our best option.  In my opinion, what makes a successful homeschooling program is bringing real life into the lessons - field trips, learning vacations, etc.  I am no longer sure I'll be able to do this.  I also do not want Bethie's exposure to the world to be limited to me and our house.  I want her to see that Mommy needs a wheelchair and that's okay, but other people run marathons and climb trees, and that's okay, too.  The main reason we hired our girl to come in was because Bethie wanted to sit next to me all day instead of going off and playing.  I do fear that if I homeschool and then cannot get her out into the world, she will become less than she could because she wants to be with me.

Second, I have to redefine my life.  All my life I wanted to be a teacher and a mother.  I can no longer teach in a live classroom, and pretty soon my little girl will be ready for school.  Since I am really leaning towards a charter school for her now, that means that in less than 18 months, I will have a huge chunk of time on my hands every day.  I will still be a mother, of course, but the minute-to-minute, hands-on aspect of that is nearly done.  I have raised a smart, creative, kind, funny, and independent little girl who will soon be part of the larger world.  Without a class of my own or a little girl who needs me all the time, I will be floundering a little.  I've already been dealing with feelings of uselessness and depression, and those things will only get worse if I don't redefine my normal.

Looking at it in a positive light, I have done an incredible job.  My child is amazing.  Seriously.  I can be very proud of what she and I have accomplished together.  I have given over half my life to the workforce, so I do not need to feel guilty that I can no longer contribute in that manner.  That leaves me with something many people envy: free time to do something I enjoy.  My goal for the next year and a half is to figure out where my passion lies and to start doing things for myself that I enjoy.  When my daughter goes off to school, I don't want her to see a mother who is fighting back tears and who will sit in a slump all day til she gets home.  What kid needs that pressure?  I want her to see a proud, beaming mama that will be enriching her own life so that when we come back together at the end of the day, we can do so with joy in each other's achievements.  

Those are my rambling thoughts for the day!  If you have any ideas for my passion, please share!